Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
