If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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