I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
now i know why i became what i already was.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
