When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
