I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
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