My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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