someone get that fucking seahorse.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
