I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
