It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
