I could have mohawked her pubes.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
