I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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