I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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