i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
