Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
