I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
