I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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