ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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