new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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