planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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