When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
