guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
