marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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