Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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