So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Green mimosas i think yes
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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