i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
