We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
