My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
only you would photoshop your dick
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
