and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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