Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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