Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
