My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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