Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
