I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
