she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
