my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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