You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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