I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
