Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
