My hand turned me down
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
