fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
