Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
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I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
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He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
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