This is not my ceiling
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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