don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
