my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
