I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
