I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
