New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
