y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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