girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
