I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Girls should come with a carfax report
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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