Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
