My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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