Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize